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A PARODY COOKBOOK ON FOOD SAFETY

Recipes

Salmon Ella

Salmonella was named after Dr Salmon, not the fish. In fact you are more likely to catch salmonella from dairy, eggs, produce and poultry.

EggBog

The humble egg is possibly the greatest killer you have in your arsenal. It looks harmless but has brought many a restaurant to a grinding halt.

Sneeze Platter

Even a choosy patron would not turn their nose up at this fine selection of cheeses, and hopefully they will mistake that fine covering of spray with a sweating cheese.

Banana Spit

Staff are a critical part of your business, and their contributions – big or small – can make a huge difference. This recipe gives them a chance to really give that extra bit.

Disgusted Tarts

There’s nothing quite like sinking your teeth into a smooth custard tart – unless you can hide that little extra in there. I recommend a used Band-Aid to show that your chef does give 100%.

Chocolate Mousstake

People are always fighting over our recipes, but let the coroner decide whose Mousstake it was. “Secret” ingredients make for good marketing, but not when they are cleaning products.

Shepherd’s Die With E.ColiFlower Mash

While the shepherd was cutting corners with a carcass they introduced a bit more than they bargained for. When the cook cuts corners with the baking they made sure the problem remained.

Whot Dogs

While a hair of the dog may cure hangovers, it will quickly cause one for you if it appears at the wrong time.

RatOrTwoE

You may not have a rat that is an accomplished chef, but that doesn’t stop them from contributing to your dishes.

Beef Bogenough

At home this is one dish that we always saved for Ron (as in “Later Ron”) and cooling and reheating is critical to ensure that it will be appreciated for days to come.

Beef WellingUp

This takes the term “chuck steak” to a whole new level. This is the recipe for the bag of meat that was left in the car for a tad too long.

Puking Duck

What do you do when a customer has an uninvited technicolour yawn? If you don’t clean house after they clean house then you may as well hurl your customers out the door so they can decorate the pavement.

Traditional Lamb Spew

A great recipe comes from deep within and this one will have your customer’s business repeating in no time.

Beef FindaLoo

You open the fridge door on Monday morning only to be greeted with a blast of warm air and the stench of rotting meat. Now is the time to rely on a traditional solution to mask the flavour of disaster – curry!

Chicken Seizure Salad

With a quick sleight of hand you can turn a boring Caesar Salad into something your customer will be talking about for the next week.

Oysters KilledPatrick

Forget about a dozen, or half a dozen – it only takes a single one of these to bring a grown man down. One dodgy oyster and you will have Pat driving the porcelain bus in no time.

Chuck Liver Pâté

The secret to social media coverage is to create a strong emotional response, and this Chuck Liver Pate is guaranteed to have people hating your guts.